M-ATING or Mommy Dating – Part One

May I Sit at Your Lunch Table?

Everyone knows that having a baby changes everything. Your house, your car, your sleep - they will never be the same again. And neither will your social life. Once the freshness of the baby buzz wears off, once your husband has returned to work and your friends have stopped visiting your new bundle, once you are all alone with your precious little one, you realize something: YOU NEED FRIENDS WITH BABIES. But how do you find them? How do you go out and make new friends? How do you find other moms to relate to?

We finally emerged from what I call the "Baby Twilight Zone" around the beginning of Ava's third month. The fog was lifting and I was ready to get out there and start living life with my beautiful little princess. While this was truly the happiest time for me, it was also the first time that I had ever really experienced loneliness. We were the first in our immediate circle of friends to have a baby. As supportive as they were, it was difficult for them to relate to this new experience we were going through. We had some friends with small children, but they either lived too far away or their babies were a bit older (even a few months makes a big difference in newborn time). My family lives out of state so I didn't have my mother to turn to. I needed to find some new friends and I needed to find some fast.

I woke up one morning with that very mission in mind. I wasn't sure how, but I was determined to get out and make some mommy friends. Ava and I were out for the day when we randomly met this woman named Beth with her baby boy who looked to be around Ava's age. Having an infant is an immediate conversation starter. "Oh, he's adorable! How old is?" It's that easy. In the 45 seconds that we chatted with each other, we quickly learned that our babies were born on the same day and weighed within an ounce of each other at birth. This must be kismet. Then we actually did something that we both realized later were completely out of character for us (out of our old, pre-baby character). WE SWAPPED NUMBERS. And to take it a step further… WE ACTUALLY CALLED EACH OTHER.

Before I knew it we were meeting for coffee. Our conversations were endless as we talked about our little ones and what we were doing with feedings, naps and schedules. There really is so much to talk about when it comes to babies. And it was so nice to have another first-time-mom to compare notes with. Finally I had found someone who understood what I was going through. We immediately had a connection and best of all we liked each other. She then invited me to visit a baby class she was a part of and told me about the other women who attend. I was intrigued. I was going to do it. I was going to join in.

I am an outgoing, friendly person by nature. I generally do not intimidate easily, however walking into that class sent my emotions soaring back to my teen years. It felt like the first day of starting a new school half way through the semester. These women had been taking the course for a few weeks already. They all had their matching baby mats; they all knew the songs and routines and most of all they knew each other. Even though we were all first-time moms, they seemed like seasoned pros with this baby stuff. Meanwhile I was just uncomfortable and nervous. I felt completely awkward and out of my element. My self confidence had been thrown out with the last dirty diaper I had changed. But I was still hoping to sit at the cool kid's lunch table. I was hoping to fit in.

We took a seat and introduced ourselves. The instructor went around the room and each mommy shared something new that happened during the week with their baby. They talked about naps, feedings and bedtime. When the circle came around to us, the instructor asked me to share a few things about Ava. "What is her bedtime?" she questioned. Proudly I replied, "9:30!" A wave of shock and horror covered her face. She scolded me with a patronizing voice, "Oh no. That just will not do. She needs to be in bed by 7:00 p.m. You need to work on that." I was mortified.

Was a 9:30 bedtime really so atrocious? Doug and I were thrilled that Ava was going to sleep before 10:00 because up until that point we could barely get our night owl to stop partying much before midnight. Was I screwing up this parenting thing already? I instantly felt like I was staring blankly at a black, empty chalk board in front of my peers not knowing the correct answer to write on it. All eyes were on me. Would these moms think I was a horrible parent? Did I just blow my chance to sit at their lunch table?

Lucky for me I had paid for that class in full and I felt obligated to return. If I hadn't forked out the cash, I would have run for the hills and never looked back. I also didn't know you could audit a class before committing to it (ladies, you can always test drive a course before plunking down your dollars). If I had known this - as much as I liked Beth - I doubt I would have returned. And that means I wouldn't have built these relationships.

I got my lunch pass that day. I was invited out to eat with all of the mommies and their sweet babies. Ten months later we are still taking classes together, sharing birthday parties, and having those popular lunches. We laugh about that first instructor and about how nervous we all were back then about everything. We realize we are all going through the same things and it felt really nice to have found a support group to go through it with. Making friends isn't always immediate and often takes a lot of time and effort. It takes mustering up your courage. And just like anything meaningful, it takes work. And it was so worth it.

 
Stay tuned for Part Two…
How do you meet other moms? Where do you find them? How do you find a mommy match?

That's next in:
M-ATING or Mommy Dating Part Two: How to Meet Moms and Influence Babies

Comments

[Bridget]

Great post! I love the term "baby twilight zone" I am excited for the next post!

[Diana]

Hahahaha - my husband and I went thru the same thing and so far we still have not been very successful and we are very friendly! But being a working mom is a big problem, and its just one more thing to feel guilty about: that I am missing out on the maternal socializing. I am bummed I can't do the weekday park playdates or lunches, etc., and there will always a huge disparity between stay-at-home moms and working moms. L.A. is a hard place to connect, but luckily I have great childless friends and lots of family. Cheers!

[Amber]

Excellent (and funny!) post. My goodness, I would never have returned to that class either. My 22 month old still goes to bed at 11:00PM (take THAT, crazy instructor!) but he sleeps in until 11am too so it is perfect for us.

I meet mamas at the park often and in my neighborhood. You can also join up with your local MOMsClub chapter or go through meetup.com

Anyway, I'm enjoying your blog and look forward to more!